Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
just pretend nothing happened
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I wish this was real life…
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*