I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
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Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”