I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
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Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
what’s really going on
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit