Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
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There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Gross if literal…Liverpool
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole