I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
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I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget