[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
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SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign