My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
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I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Cinematography is my passion
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
the battle rages on
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this