Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
As the Lord intended
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch