I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
You Might Also Like
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Cool shirt 🙂
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.