“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
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I unironically love this joke.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard