Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!