“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
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Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
mom gave me mine for free
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?