The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
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I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Saturday
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids