[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
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Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo