[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
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At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Tough love is true love
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Don’t we all.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams