(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
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Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*