[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
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Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.