A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*