Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
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Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”