pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.