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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.