Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
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I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face