Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I’m putting together a team
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.