If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
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My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
my mind
You just read my mind
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Does this dress make me look cat?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.