A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Catercrombie & Fish
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.