People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
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I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Just a bush.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.