It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
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[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
The cake is mightier than the sword.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.