me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here