[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
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god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.