Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
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Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.