Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
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10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
fair
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me