Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
You Might Also Like
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.