I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
This is a sub tweet
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”