I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
This is me 🤣🤣
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.