Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
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Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My new favorite headline
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.