Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
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Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me in tagged photos
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.