I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
We’ve all been there
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.