When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
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Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down