You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
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I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Denise please return my vape pen
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too