<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
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When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Florida be like…