me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
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If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
The point of your 20s
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.