i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
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Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.