*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
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“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.