“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
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Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car