I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
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Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that