Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…