One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.