ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
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Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders