My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
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Britain be like
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
it was a valiant fight
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.