I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I can also cook 😂
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.